I have to admit I would have never come this far, had I read the invitation from Odlo properly, for I would have politely declined the invitation and stayed at home safe. Me and heights are a mismatch like socks and sandals. They do not match.. unless you are open to it. Odlo invited my to their first Odlo Girls Time last week and it was no ordinary event. House running. HOUSE RUNNING. Let me repeat again, HOUSE freaking RUNNING was on the agenda.
Imagine my shock when I got there in my cute little outfit (btw the comfiest sports bra and tights I’ve ever owned! Thank you Odlo!) ready to run in a house not on its walls.
Sitting here on the edge was the farthest I got. Jacky, Amandine and I were pushing each other all evening until we got geared up and said at least we would try.
We got upstairs just to find sickest view of Berlin that met us. We chose the right time to conquer our fear as the sun was setting painting the skylight orange. Berlin can be so wonderful. There I was staying clear of the edges, at the same time enjoying the view and letting the moment be, brain off as I did’t want to overthink the situation, but at least I knew I would die wearing comfortable gym clothes.
You must know I’m afraid of heights. They stir a dizziness inside me that makes my stomach turn, my head spin and leaves my body at complete unease.
Being able to see the distance beyond me always makes me grip for something that seems safe. You could put me in a 100m tower as long as I can’t see through to the ground and the walls that I can look over upon are at least up to my chest and I will have no problems. But put me on a grid higher than 20m with no proper fencing and watch as my knees get weak.
It is something about heights and the “what if I fall?” and the fall itself that gets me. I’m not that free, I think I don’t like that kinda rush.
Suddenly it became much more than just walking the walls for me. You may have noticed that my presence on social media and my blog has died a little. It’s because of a personal baggage that has grown over the months and become so big I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. At first it consumed me and I let it suck me in because it was beautiful but over the last months it has complete escalated out of proportion and it’s toxic. I don’t want to go into details, but you must know, sitting there at the edge of the wall meant so much more for me now.
Just looking at the first picture makes my stomach turn a little again, but in a good way. Never would I have thought that I would be able to sit so close to an edge. Suddenly I felt empowered. Safe. I mean there was nothing that could have happened to me, it was all very safe. All it took was a little courage, faith and a little leap. To rise above once fears, one must be willing to let go. I think I just wasn’t ready. But then again when are you ever ready to face your fears?
I sat there and I was able to look down without having a total heart attack. I peeked over the edge once, twice, thrice!
Until I said to myself “Until Here and no more.”
Testing My Limits.
I do not feel ashamed not conquering my fears, because I believe there is no shame in knowing your limits and listening to your body. Sometimes you’ve got to take baby steps.
Maybe next time I will be able to stand afloat and walk down the walls. Who knows, in a years time I will be bungee jumping and jumping out of planes with Jay Alvarrez over the coasts of Hawaii, although that’s highly unlikely. Me jumping I mean of course..
What haunts me a little though is the pressure I put on myself with the symbolical meaning of walking down these walls meant for me.
I just wasn’t ready to let go yet..
I’ve got stuff to work out.
Watch the video impressions here:
Seamless Underwear I Nahtlose Unterwäsche: Odlo the Invisibles